Oh man, I haven’t written in weeks. I was afraid of this. I haven’t given up on blogging- not at all- but lately it hasn’t been a priority. I’ve been writing fairly consistently elsewhere, which is good, but I am a little sad that this blog is being ignored.
In any case, today is a rainy Sunday- just the kind of day that was made for sleeping in and spending lazy hours on the couch sipping coffee and catching up on blogs and emails and facebook and computer-y stuff. I love days like this. Often, I start to feel restless if I spend too much time sitting around. I think, “I need to be doing something! I need to run errands, I need to clean, I need to jog, I need to get stuff done!!” But not this morning. This morning I’m just content to sit and reflect and just be.
So where did I leave off, the last time I posted? I believe I was talking about hanging out with my high school friends, and worried about their questions and attitudes and judgment. Well, the evening wasn’t so bad; I was indeed the 5th wheel to my two friends and their husbands, and the whole night has a slight awkwardness to it. I don’t know if it was because we hadn’t been together in so long, or if it had anything to do with me (something I always worry about that I really need to get over). They asked me how I was doing and a bit about Sandy, but not too much. One husband jumped into “attack mode”- asking how often I was seeing Sandy’s family and whether that was the right thing to do. I shut down the conversation fairly effectively (though I also think that my friends were cutting me some slack, considering the nature of what I had just been through).
Anyway, here’s the thing. Later that week I had coffee with my best friend, and we had a great conversation. A lot came out of me that I wasn’t even completely aware was in me. I told her how my friends’ reactions to Sandy’s death surprised me a little. Some friends came through in ways that I never expected. Many, however, didn’t really come through at all. And they certainly haven’t been supportive in the months after Sandy’s death. This is a topic I could write pages and pages about, but I’ll try to limit it for now. I know my situation was complicated, and that Sandy was my ex-boyfriend. However, I was with this guy for over 5 years. We broke up, but stayed close, and my friends knew this. They also knew that the instant Sandy got sick, I was back in his life- seeing him every day. They knew that I was at hospice around the clock. They knew that I was with Sandy when he died. And yet, because he was my ex-boyfriend, it’s like they don’t or can’t or shouldn’t acknowledge his significance to my life. Like they can’t or won’t be as supportive as they would have been if he had been my boyfriend. I get it, I guess, and yet it still bothers me. Because at the end of the day, this was one of the greatest losses I could have suffered, if not the greatest loss (though I really can’t say that, because I don’t know what it would be like to lose a parent or sibling or my best friend).
Anyway, in addition to all the emotions and thoughts swirling in my head these past few months, I’ve been really thinking about the nature of my friendships. I have a lot of people who I consider my “closest” friends who have not really been there for me since Sandy died. They called once, sent a card, a couple came to the memorial service, but then nothing. I’ve always known that some of my friendships have tended to be one-sided, that some of my friends are very self-centered- the friendships have been this way for a long time. I have usually been the one to really support friends and be there for them and check-in with them. But when it came down to me getting some support- and believe me, this was a time when I needed support- the friends just weren’t around.
This doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon my friends, because it really takes a lot for my feelings to be hurt to the point where I back away or give up on someone. Deep down, I believe that my friends truly care about me, but sometimes they just can’t step outsides of their own worlds enough to be there for someone else. And I also think, for some of my friends, that they can’t step outside of certain beliefs and definitions of things in order to be supportive of me (as in- Sandy was an ex-boyfriend, therefore my grief is not validated).
Wow, I didn’t intend to write about all of this, sorry if this is too much ranting or complaining! Anyway, friendships have been on my mind. Otherwise, life isn’t too exciting, but for me, right now, that’s okay. I’m feeling much better than I was a month ago, and I continue to be amazed by how much ‘time’ as helped. And I think it will continue to help. This has been a long winter, and I’m ready to be done with it. I’m ready for spring.